Creating social seppuku
Blog
The past few months have made me feel malleable l, questioning my past choices, and overwhelmed with anxiety. Anxiety due to things happening in the world, due to negative family relationships, and battling internal demons.
I am my own worst enemy. I’ve been a closet case in all my social media…
I don’t feel that being (for the sake of simplicity in the word) being ‘trans’ as beautiful.
Also, from working in LGBTQ organizations. I had butch lesbians constantly make TERFY remarks to me for being gay, made me out to be a predator on sneaky ways, did everything they could to invalidate me. I never understood why.
The ‘trans’ community makes me uncomfortable. Not due to hate, truscum as they say, reasons, but because of the stuff I see makes me nauseous. It’s the stripey socks, the dick obession, the “T4T” stuff. I have dysphoria, and seeing behavior that reminds me of something you would see on Grindr grosses me out. So many of the posts I see from people that are out and proud act fetishistic and horny in a male way. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve also had negative experiences of transfems, people who clock me, get mad because I don’t reciprocate, and act vengeful, and then make it their mission to out me. Do I not see them as women? Am I misgendering? No, at least not at first. But when that behavior happens, im so confused. And I don’t want to be hurtful, but that behavior is weird and crass. And those kinds of people curse me with negative stereotypes, and are a huge nail in the coffin of social acceptance.
I’be always felt gay. Even before transitioning, one of my ex gfs called me her gf. I feel that my brain chemistry is wired that way. It’s biological. But people find it their mission to make I know that I’m not good enough, not “female” enough.
When I first sought help at a LGBTQ center in my early 20s, I was hopeful. But I was hit with a barrage of stereotypes. The trans lady that advised me on medical access gave me “tips” on sleeping with men post surgery when A) I never said I wanted to sleep with men B) I never mentioned anything about surgery. Between that, being aggressively sexually harassed by members of the community, I put in a tomboy demeanor. I wanted to throw away my visual kei/gothic lolita outfits, skirts, etc and become like a Lisbeth Salander. It was amusing for awhile getting misgendered as trans masculine. But I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be masculine. I want to be myself again. But I’m fearful of also being vulnerable to violence. But then I bounce back to being sick of men talking to me like I’m a guy. A lot of times, I feel like I fucked myself over due to fear and trauma. I refuse to be called “queer.” I’m not some third gender, I don’t date NB people, and im gay/sapphic. I care about NB people, and there are NB people I know that are dear to me. It just isnt my community, and getting forced into that category sucks, and reeks of condescension. It sucks how both cis people can be shitty but also LGBTQ people can be so vicious and militant.
I don’t give a shit what the average chud thinks of me. I don’t care what Peter Pan haired TERFs think about me. What sucks is the anxiety and fear I have from people that are potential friends. Who half accept, but I know deep down they have their own biases from the media, and honestly from the clown show that online “queer community” perpetuate.
I’ve been crying a lot more than usual. Therapists suck so much. They either treat me like their case study, or recommend me hang out in spaces that I know will be filled with fetishistic, identity obsessed, super politically charged crabs in a bucket.
I don’t know where to go from here. I want to feel okay. I want to fear beautiful. Maybe I’m too broken, and it’s too late to be happy. That’s my fear.
Cogito Ergo Sum